How Hard Is It?!

I've decided that every Friday I'm going to write a very specific post on here. "How Hard Is It?!" I decided this for two reasons. One, it's a common question I ask every day. Two, it sounds deliciously perverted and every time I say it in my head it's in the form of a studio audience, a la "The Price Is Right!" ...ya know what? If you read this and you have a mic, I'd LOVE it if you would record yourself doing exactly that. I wanna try somethin'... Anyway.

How Hard Is It?!

How hard is it to think before you speak? To quote a great man:

 "Your mouth is movin' and words are comin' out. Might oughta see to that."
                                                                              -Captain Malcom Reynolds

I was in Wal-Mart the other day. Now it's well-known that Wal-Mart is where the most interesting (re: vaguely discomforting to be around or look at) members of our society go to congregate, but it's also the only major retailer left in this little town o' mine, so it's where I've got to go. Anyway, I'm standing at the checkout aisles, right next to the tabloids, which are a whole other subject for another day, when I hear the lady behind me say "she's still pretty, but she's stupid as Hell."

What? Pretty woman?! AND she's of less-than-average intelligence?! Like every red-blooded man out there, I immediately go into what I like to call "Covert Meerkat Mode." This is where you do a lot of fake sniffing (so you seem nonchalant), your eyes go half-lidded (presumably to make you seem completely uninterested), and you slowly lift up on your toes so you can see over into the adjacent aisles in pursuit of that elusive prey.

None was to be had. So, I turned my attention to the tabloids beside me, put two and two together and got pissed.

Seems Helen Hunt has a new movie out, "Soul Surfer." She plays alongside AnnaSophia Robb in the story of Bethany Hamilton. Now for anyone who doesn't know, Bethany Hamilton is an amazing young woman who lost her arm to a shark attack while surfing. A month later, she was back in the water.

This is the kind of woman I want my daughter to look up to. This is the kind of person I look up to.

Because of that, I convinced myself that they couldn't possibly have been talking about that. Not her. No one's that moronic.

"I'm tellin' you, if you get yourself bit and get back out there you deserve whatever you get. Wouldn't see me out there, I'll tell you that much."

Ya know what? I'm sure we wouldn't. No, we wouldn't see your fragrant, redneck ass waddling down the dunes to the edge of the sea, flapping about like some sort of confused hippopotamus as you try to mount the banquet table that is your board.

I'm sure we wouldn't see you paddling out, the waves crashing around you, split in twain by your cloud of stench as though you were a mountain of gelatinous stupidity the gods themselves thrust up to block their path.

I'm sure we wouldn't see you have the courage to face something you fear in pursuit of something you love. Unless, of course, we put a box of vodka-filled twinkies in the middle of a rattlesnake pit. I'm sure you'd dive right in there for that, wouldn't you?

Sadly, the society we live in makes it socially unacceptable for a grown man to turn around and head-butt a woman in a Wal-Mart checkout line, so I must trust in Karma and Fate to exact their revenge on this thoughtless waste of what could have been five good human beings.

Wait, I figured it out. She was supposed to be five good people but there was a brain-cell shortage! Shortage of one supply, surplus of the other, shove 'em on together and *PTH* Wal-Mart Woman!

In closing, I usually don't recommend films to anyone because I have a very odd taste, but c'mon. It's about an incredible human being. Go see it. Take your... wait, lemme check... ok, yeah, it's PG. Take your kids to see it. Let 'em see that there are good, strong people in the world and not just morons. On the same token, God Save the Morons.

Without them, I'd have nothing to write about.